la belle et le bad boy

what a strange night have i! after hearing word that cool breeze, ryan, was caught by his big bad bone daddy smokin' foilies, aka cocaine, his probation officer was called. and you know the news is not good. he knew he was going to jail at, well, right now - ten o'clock on this beautiful morning. now, as we all remember quite painfully clearly, the last time he was going to jail he just wanted to 'condition himself' aka fuck that frumpy little slut whom i still sort of refuse to speak the name of because after quietly and quite politely, i might add, asking them to shag tail out of there she just giggled at me. and that's why i can't go for that. moving right along, gus called and pretty much said the above story. minus the frumpy slut. and my response? 'bring him over to jessica's, he needs all the mates he can get right now.' and then i bought him two 40s and tried to give him a pack of cigarettes. after spreading the love for a hot minute at adam's, we headed back to jessica's with hailey, ryan's ex, fun fun times for kat, for more drinking. and drink we did. gus left and then it turned bad. and i mean bad. ryan started crying about jail, his parents, his life and general and hailey kind of sort of didn't really help tame the situation. i don't really remember though, i was kind of wasted. so he ran off and sat in the front, on a thorn bush and cried some more. so i ran after him. why? because i'm a nice kat that way. i gave him love and told him that someday he too, like i, would wake up and everything would be ok. which only made him cry more, now that i think about it, and he said that if he could find the last piece of his shotgun he'd kill his dad and then kill himself. to this i did not like. then he proceeded to tell me about his dad beating up on him and his brother beating up on him and how he's a piece of shit lots of tears boo hoo for him. he was stumbling by this point. then he made us sing wolf parade. i sent hailey to bed and then ryan started to fall asleep on the couch outside. not ok. so i woke him up but he wouldn't listen and i do believe i ended up saying, 'fine fuck you then, i don't give a fuck about you,' at one point. then i came back with a blanket. then i threw him off the couch, literally, gave him a pillow and told him, 'g'night.' it was done. i don't need to sleep with him. i don't need the satisfaction. he makes horrible choices when he's not with me and that's only because i bitch and moan until i get my way and just tell everybody, 'you don't want to see me angry,' until they let me do what i want. ryan, however, makes me sad all day. i'm of the breed that when you are wasted, the truth comes out. no matter how slurred. i had it all wrong. the doll had it wrong. true, baby, he isn't done with my - but i couldn't even conceive how fucked up he is. i mean, i had to literally hold him until he stopped crying, told him to just breathe and relax, everything would be fine, everything will be fine, everything's going to be fine. there was nothing more last night that i wanted than to sleep next to him, but he needs to understand that things have changed. and that's how i conditioned myself into a D O L L and not a T R I C K.